We all have our level of modesty, and this conditions our way of behaving in the public space but also in family . Are we comfortable in small outfits at home with the family when it's hot? Can you do naturism with your kids? Can we take a bath with young children?
We are going to analyze this by detailing this last example in particular — because it is the situation that we encounter most frequently, but also because it does not, however, fail to create debate.
A few weeks ago, we published an article about the mom-shaming suffered by model Chrissy Teigen , who posted on Instagram a photo of her taking a bath with her two children — Luna, 5, and Miles, 3 — as we can see it in the photograph below, with the caption.
But why is this so shocking? Is it really a problem that our children see us naked and that we take a bath with them?
We therefore invoked two education specialists to help us see things a little more clearly, namely Marie Chetrit, doctor of science, who has just published Positive education: a question of balance? Unraveling the true from the false of benevolent parenting and Héloïse Junier, psychologist specializing in young children, who published For or against?, The great debates of early childhood in the light of scientific knowledge.
Where does this modesty come from?
In France, modesty seems stronger and more significant than in other countries. Because it is above all a question of culture! In other civilizations — and in some French naturist communities — nudity is not a problem at all.
Héloïse Junier also advances part of the explanation and deplores the role of psychoanalysis: “In France we have a very close relationship with psychoanalysis, which comes to sexualize the body of children , invest them with sexual impulses and see incestuous. The Oedipus complex is when you think that a child at three years old, for example, wants to fornicate with the father or the mother and reject the other parent. We then say to ourselves: “we are not going to get naked in front of a child”. It promotes a physical distance between the body of the child and that of the adult and therefore this modesty. »
Once again, psychoanalysis and its theories have had a damaging role. Yet when you think about it, it seems quite natural to be in its simplest form...
Being naked is natural
We tend to be wary of what is considered “natural” or “unnatural” — widely misused words, often misused. But for our discussion here, nudity is part of everyone's daily life. There is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed by her body. For Héloïse Junier: “There is nothing wrong with being naked with your children . Taking a bath with your children is a nice moment. In addition, the skin-to-skin ratio promotes oxytocin , the bonding hormone. […] The child experiences this with a great deal of innocence in fact. »
It is therefore not problematic for a penny to be naked and take a bath with his children, contrary to what some haters wrote to Chrissy Teigen! However, there are a few conditions to respect…
Respect what children want
Obviously, we must respect the wishes of parents and children ! For Marie Chetrit, it is above all a question of age:
“For a baby or a toddler , there is no problem.
When children grow up, they often have a great curiosity for the genitals of the parents. They look at what is different from them. For me, from the moment the child shows this curiosity , it's a bit of a signal that you have to be more modest, more reserved.
It 's not at all tragic for an older child to see his parent naked, but there is an age when it's good to take a little more distance. Moreover, the children themselves, around 5 or 6 years old , often show a need for modesty. It is a signal to respect. »
Although it is a social and cultural construct, modesty must be respected. Because to live in society, we must learn it.
Héloïse Junier also expresses this reservation, it is necessary to stop if this “creates a situation of ill-being for the child or for one of the parents” . This modesty comes over time:
“When the parent or the child no longer feels it. When the child has a different look . It's cultural so it's a matter of individual feelings. »
For Marie Chetrit, children must also learn what modesty and respect for the other's body and intimacy are. She explains to us:
"It also makes them think, 'I can't see a naked person if they don't want to.' For learning to respect consent with a view to long-term sex education , this is important.
As a parent, you don't necessarily want to be seen naked, in the shower or otherwise, they have to respect that, as the parent has to respect their wish. It goes both ways. »
The children gradually establish this distance and it is up to the parents to respect it . Although it also goes both ways. The child must respect the privacy of the parent if he wishes.
Possible alerts on problematic situations
We are of course placing ourselves within the framework of a family situation where there is no ulterior motive, no incestuous situation, nor any will on the part of a parent to be so!
It should be noted, however, that a great physical intimacy between a child and a member of his family can, in certain cases, be the signal of a problem .
These particular signals, which can be uttered by the child, can then be studied by relatives or by professionals. It is absolutely necessary to be attentive to them and not to neglect them .
It is the fathers in particular who ask themselves questions , fearing that they will be suspected of having unhealthy, incestuous intentions. This fear is understandable and it is such a serious subject that taking it into account in all spheres is a good thing.
The fact of questioning the decency or not of such and such behavior is understandable. Héloïse Junier tells us about the fear of fathers: “Fathers are especially scared. A father came to see me in nursery to ask if he could take a bath with his 3-year-old daughter . I replied that there was no problem. »
She adds: "Parents shouldn't put pressure on themselves not to do it. The father who will be incestuous will be so even if he does not take a bath with his daughter. »
To sum up, if there is no evil intention, there is no problem. One should not be overly prudish, whereas nudity is at the start natural and seen with innocence by children. It is above all necessary to trust the desires and the feelings , both on the side of the parents but especially of the children!
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